Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
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Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
what it’s like dating me:
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?