KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
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ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
My birth announcement for our third baby
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
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Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex