Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
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Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?