Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
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ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.