Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
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Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times