kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
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I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.