Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
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Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Mornin. * use accordingly
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes