kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
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Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
The fall of Netflix
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Bill is short for Billiam
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Xylophonist Shredding It
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”