Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
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Just the best dancing sandwiches.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”