KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
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Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
also my go-to takeaway order
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman