The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*