Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
You Might Also Like
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
synchronized noseblowing
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.