@batkaren

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

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@amishschool

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

@primawesome

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

@Donna_McCoy

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

@robfromonline

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

@EndhooS

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

@kissmefreedom

Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

@The_Amazon_Eve

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

@Try2StopME

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.