KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
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decorating my apartment
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
guys i’ve cracked the code
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again