Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
You Might Also Like
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.