Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
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Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.