Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
You Might Also Like
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets