Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
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A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”