Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
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*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Dune (2021)
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins