Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
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If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed