@sofarrsogud

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

You Might Also Like

@dafloydsta

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

@SCbchbum

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

@wildethingy

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

@ThisLocalHater

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

@squirrel74wkgn

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

@Fred_Delicious

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

@JediGigi

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

@jmabell

“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies

@danjan13

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink