KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
You Might Also Like
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Fries, not lies.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Horrifying if literal: a handbag