@truegritrumble

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

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@pleatedjeans

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

@sixfootcandy

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

@Marlebean

Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?

Oh! You meant a question about the job position!

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

@Cpin42

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

@AimeeHelene1

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

@ChefRonSullivan

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

@leeunkrich

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

@vladchoc

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

@Serious_Law_Guy

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.