[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
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I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.