KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
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DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.