KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
You Might Also Like
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
*gets down on one knee*
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first