KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
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I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.