Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive

Me: can I just text them

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exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost


Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*


My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.


Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room


Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.


Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not


Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?

Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.


[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time



HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?

Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium

HG: ?

N: SeNd NeWDs


Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.