Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
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If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
My nickname in high school was “who?”
lmao
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I feel it
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog