kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
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Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend