kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
You Might Also Like
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
My dad.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.