Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
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[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.