kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
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[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go