kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
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*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Namaste
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.