@OllyiConic

kidnapper: we have your son

my dad: ask him if he has my lighter

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@Brampersandon_

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

@SortaBad

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

@WhatevaConc

Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.

@DancesWithTamis

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

@Rollinintheseat

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

@FunnyBison

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

@Social_Mime

Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”

@fro_vo

ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho

@noog

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

@Cheeseboy22

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.