kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
You Might Also Like
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Straight people are cancelled
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.