Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
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Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder