Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
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writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class