*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
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Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
lost dog
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
watergate? u mean a dam??
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?