[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
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I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol