Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
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How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while