“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
You Might Also Like
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
why does this building look like a guilty dog
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.