kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
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living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.