Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Who called it baking and not making love
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Don’t snitch tag.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’