Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
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I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*