“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
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If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
honestly, i need both:
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this