Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
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me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not