Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
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I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.