Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
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*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.