Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
You Might Also Like
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
secret recipe
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day