* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
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me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies