Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
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Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there