Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
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No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
The real reason evolution started..😂
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Oh, I bet you would be
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park