Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
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Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
I have many caverns
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror