Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

*arriving home as my house burns down*

Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.

Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!

Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*

A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears

…yes please

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]